


lonely stars

by aesterie



Category: TOMORROW X TOGETHER | TXT (Korea Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Idols, Childhood Friends, Light Angst, M/M, Mutual Pining, Reunions, feelings are fatal but make it soogyu
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-03-11
Updated: 2021-03-11
Packaged: 2021-03-18 01:06:45
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,037
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29975043
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/aesterie/pseuds/aesterie
Summary: he knows choi beomgyu like the lilacs by the park bloom at the end of summer. he knows him like the familiar sweet taste that explodes in his mouth when his teeth sinks on the first clementine that beomgyu buys for him every first day of summer. he knows him like the soft morning sky, when the blue is fading into nothingness and there's a streak of bright orange.(or: soobin thinks he knows beomgyu so well. but five years later, when beomgyu comes rushing in on a lonely tuesday night, he wonders if he ever knew him at all.)
Relationships: Choi Beomgyu/Choi Soobin
Comments: 3
Kudos: 53





	lonely stars

**Author's Note:**

> for lin! ♡
> 
> i hope you enjoy this little piece. i tried not to make this _too_ angsty but heh. <3
> 
> (ps. i based this fic on mxmtoon's feelings are fatal but i also listened to taylor's coney island while writing this! in case any of you want something to listen to while reading this. ♡)

soobin knows beomgyu. 

of course, he does—beomgyu is so loved by the world. fifteen years ago, soobin could have said he's the one that loved every fragment of who beomgyu is. but as soobin stares down at the glossy magazine pages of _dazed,_ it's starting to feel like he loved only the idea of what beomgyu used to be. 

so, maybe that's not right. maybe soobin doesn't know beomgyu. 

because this is how soobin knows beomgyu: he knows him like how he knows how the lilacs by the park bloom at the end of summer. he knows him like the familiar sweet taste that explodes in his mouth when his teeth sinks on the first clementine that beomgyu buys for him every first day of summer. he knows him like the soft morning sky, when the blue is fading into nothingness and there's a streak of bright orange.

familiar, like a home. 

he knows him like the warmth of a home that he missed so much. 

the thing is, he didn't realize how homesick he had been for his home until he saw him walk right through the glass doors of the café, a little bounce in his steps. ansan is on the verge of falling asleep that day but when he sees beomgyu by the entrance, it's as if the world falls into a quietness that he never expected before. like it's taking a deep breath, finally realizing that it had been missing a puzzle piece the entirety of this time. 

"hyung?" beomgyu speaks, a honey-like voice tied around his words. his eyes light up in a way that makes soobin's heart stutter in his rib cage—it's a feeling that he has familiarized himself with for the past ten years. 

soobin stands so fast, clumsily hitting his knee against the table but he doesn't quite realize the sting of it. he laughs, bright and warm, as he crosses the distance between them

"beom—!" 

"hyung!" 

the way beomgyu crashes in his arms feels like an asteroid colliding with a lonely planet. it's overwhelming all at once but soobin doesn't mind. he only wraps his arms around beomgyu's frame, holding him a little closer just to feel the pattern of his heartbeat through his chest. 

it's been fifteen years and yet, soobin still hasn't let go of the fragile home he built in beomgyu's arms. 

"it's been so long," beomgyu breathes out, cheeks flushed with stars in his eyes. he pulls away and lets his gaze linger on soobin's features before a smile breaks out on his lips, clearly more than elated that he's finally seeing his best friend. 

the one person that he could ever crash into without the fear of breaking himself apart. 

"i missed you." 

_i missed you too._ soobin wants to say those words but they only tie themselves tightly in a knot around his throat. he swallows them instead and shakes his head, smiling at him with the same fondness that he carried in his chest for so many years already. 

"really? you did?" 

"of course, i did. i know, i haven't been the best at keeping contact but," beomgyu falters, his starry eyes softening into the heavy darkness of the night. "that doesn't mean that i didn't miss you." 

soobin feels the rush of emotions through his veins. it hurts to think that before, he feels like he's tugging on an already broken string of their friendship. but now, it feels like beomgyu has been trying to tangle the broken string, tying it so hastily that he doesn't notice how fragile it is already. 

but even if it's on the verge of breaking, soobin wants to hold on. 

"yeah," he smiles at him. bright and warm, like how he remembered beomgyu to be. "why don't you tell me everything that you've been up to?" 

/

this is how the story of soobin and beomgyu starts: a five year old boy rushes through the playground of their school, almost tripping over the sandbox. he's so bright that even soobin is captivated by how he moves—it's as if he carries the sun in his hands. his dark hair is a sharp contrast to his eyes that always seem to carry the stars. 

soobin thinks this is how he learned to love the stars: the first star he loved came crashing into him on the swing of the playground, with cheeks flushed and laughter tracing from his lips. 

"hi! i'm choi beomgyu and you are?" 

soobin sits there for a moment, his shoes barely scraping against the sand. somehow, his voice has been chased away and now, his words are only hanging on his lips. 

is it possible to swallow starlight? is it possible to see how a comet and a planet could crash against each other without breaking off a fragment? is it possible to see a star right in front of you and feel the ache to have it so close to you because you know, at the back of your mind, that this is going to be the first and last time you'll see a falling star from the skies? 

soobin never knew the answers to all of those. but on that day, he did know what was the name of the first star that crashed into him.

_choi beomgyu. what a pretty name._

"i'm soobin," he says, voice teetering close to nervousness. it falls into a quiet stammer as he brushes the soles of his sneakers against the sand. "it's nice to meet you." 

"it's nice to meet you too, soobin! are you older than me? because if you are then that means i have to call you hyung." 

"i'm six years old." soobin ends up chasing after beomgyu's breathless rambles, quickly falling into an awkwardly cut silence. but beomgyu laughs. bright and warm and soobin is thinking if it's okay to feel at home with someone you just met. 

"okay, that means you're my hyung. nice to meet you, soobin hyung!" 

as beomgyu fits himself into the empty swing right beside him, soobin can't help but feel the corners of his mouth twitch into a smile. 

it makes him wonder—is it possible to burn yourself when you come too close to a star? 

he didn't know yet. he's too busy swinging his legs back and forth and memorizing the sound of their laughter on a warm spring day that he didn't seem to care about anything else. 

soobin didn't know that he would burn himself, just to hold a piece of beomgyu's soul. 

/

there's something so comforting about how everything eventually goes into a full circle. as soobin sits on the other side of the table in the café, he's reminded of their high school days. 

it used to be those days when beomgyu lit up the hallways with his laughs and his melodious voice that made everyone chase after him. his presence was so _loud_ that even the ones that only knew him by name felt the empty space left by him. 

though it was soobin that felt it the most. 

what used to be rooftop lunches shared between them, it became a lonely memory of soobin sitting on the edge and wondering how long will the emptiness chase after him. what used to be a familiar pattern of their footsteps along the cracked pavement on the way home from school became a gloomy reminder of how alone soobin felt as he traced along the lines of the streets. 

what used to be sleepovers at each other's house every weekend became weekly video calls with his best friend living in seoul—though they didn't last either. beomgyu was too busy and soon enough, every call and every message was left unanswered. 

when soobin saw the articles with beomgyu's name written in bold, his heart took a leap through his throat. here was his best friend—the same boy who would run through the hallways with his laughter hanging in the atmosphere. here was the same boy with calloused fingers who plucked the strings of his guitar, helping a classmate confess to someone else with a love song. 

here was the same boy who once told soobin that one day, he's going to find out what it's like to be a star. 

(he always had been a star in soobin's eyes. he just didn't know.)

and now, five years later, soobin is sitting across him with their knees almost brushing against each other. beomgyu still wears the same smile that he always wore but now, there'a a hint of something else in him. 

he looks exhausted, lonely even.

soobin didn't understand—why would someone as bright as beomgyu feel lonely? he's always filled with so much love that he gave a part of himself to everyone that showed only a silver of their fondness for him.

he's so loved. so, so loved that soobin feels like he needs to take a step back because he's afraid that maybe, he might break his own heart by loving him too much when beomgyu never asked for it. 

"so, how are you, hyung? it's been five years so you can't say that _oh, i'm good._ i want to know everything that i missed out on!" 

soobin thinks he knows beomgyu. maybe because he's the only one who ever picked apart his habit—beomgyu talks so much when he's nervous. when he's on the edge, he speaks so fast that soobin worries that his heart will burst through his chest. it's as if he's saying as much as he can, roping everyone into an illusion that they know him.

when really, they never truly knew him at all. 

but even when soobin notices this, he only buries it underneath all the unsaid words he kept for himself. 

"you know," soobin points at the café with a light laugh. "my parents gave me the café so now, we don't have to worry about getting kicked out for _taking up space._ " 

beomgyu laughs too, but soobin notices how his fingers twitch as they wrap around the cup of coffee in front of him. soobin unravels him slowly, quietly seeing how he keeps on tapping his foot and worrying his lower lip between his teeth. his eyes are fixated on the window, sad and tired all at once. 

"how about you?" soobin asks, careful and gentle. "are you okay?" 

"i am! of course, i am." soobin hears the sharp exhale in beomgyu's words as he spares him a glance, the stars so dim in his eyes that it left soobin wondering if there are still galaxies knitted across his soul. 

"i'm preparing for my second album now! i've been staying up so late these days, just to record and lately, i'm also taking up more and more singing and dancing training—" 

_"beomgyu-yah."_

soobin only says his name once and even then, it's as if the world falls into a pause. beomgyu falls quiet, his starry eyes darkening as he tries to lift the corners of his lips into a smile.

"i know that you've been working so hard for your next album, i've read everything about it. but," soobin pauses, noticing how beomgyu's fingers have fallen still around the cup. his expression softens as he reaches out, placing a hand over his. 

"i asked you if you're doing okay." 

beomgyu is quiet for a long time before he finally finds the words, grasping onto them a little too tight. "hyung, what do you think my life is?" 

"what?" soobin is taken aback, his voice riddled with confusion and curiosity. beomgyu lets out a laugh but it sounds emptier, more hollow as he gently pulls his hand away from soobin's hold. 

"hyung, i love how my life is right now but sometimes, it gets so _lonely_ ," beomgyu pauses, then sighs. "sometimes, i want to run back to ansan and find you. when everything gets so overwhelming, i want to take a bus late at night and just rush _here_ and—tell you everything." 

beomgyu breaks, carefully untangling the knots that he had hastily tied inside of him. he isn't even looking at soobin anymore. he's staring at his own exhausted reflection of the café's window and that's how soobin understands why everything doesn't come into a full circle. it breaks itself over and over again, trying to find the ending that was meant for their story but they've changed now. 

it's been five years since beomgyu left him and now, he's back. soobin wonders if he's still the same choi beomgyu that he met when he was six and he still feels like a lonely planet. he wonders if he's the same choi beomgyu that collided into him like an asteroid, one that made a home in him. 

"then why didn't you?" 

beomgyu lets out a shaky breath, too ashamed to look at him properly. "hyung, we didn't talk for _five_ years. how would you feel when i suddenly come back to ansan and the first thing i say to you is that i don't want to do this anymore?" 

when beomgyu finally shifts his gaze to him, soobin sees all the tangled knots he keeps inside of him. all the unsaid words that didn't leave his lips during interviews and conversations from another world. all the feelings that he kept underneath everything else, telling himself that it's okay. 

it'll all be okay—it _has_ to be. 

"hyung, isn't that unfair? to run to someone whose heart you broke, asking them to help you fix your own heart?" 

soobin glances down at the glossy cover of the dazed magazine. beomgyu is right there along the pages, an interview about his next album—he can hear his mischievous tone, his laugh tied around the words written down. 

but that's always been the surface. no one truly knows who choi beomgyu is. 

the same boy who sits in front of soobin right now, wondering over and over again if it's the right choice to take the last bus in ansan and find the lonely planet that he made a home in. 

but soobin does know him. he knows choi beomgyu like the lilacs by the park bloom at the end of summer. he knows him like the familiar sweet taste that explodes in his mouth when his teeth sinks on the first clementine that beomgyu buys for him every first day of summer. he knows him like the soft morning sky, when the blue is fading into nothingness and there's a streak of bright orange.

he knows him like a home that he'll always love, no matter what. 

"you know, i don't care if you decide to go back to ansan five, ten, or even twenty years later." soobin leans over the table, brushing away the _dazed_ magazine to the side so he can hold beomgyu's hands in his own. he's still warm, even when he's trying to bury his emotions under the glaciers he built inside of him. 

"i'll always be here. if you're feeling tired and you want to find a place to rest your head, i'll be here." 

_i love you, i love you, i love you. i'm never going to leave you._

soobin wants to say them out loud. he wants beomgyu to know how _loved_ he is. 

but he doesn't need to—beomgyu knows him too. he knows choi soobin as the lonely planet who found a friend at the playground. he knows him like the first clementine that he bought for him with the extra change that he kept in his pocket, promising him that he'll buy him all the clementines in the world. he knows him like the first sunrise they watched together when they were thirteen, when they were sitting so close under the blankets with their knees grazing against each other. 

he knows him like a planet that shone so brightly like a star. beomgyu would burn himself just to carry a piece of soobin with him. 

"okay," beomgyu smiles at him. bright and warm, like how he always had been. "okay, hyung." 

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


("are you sure that i can't stay any longer?" 

soobin lets out a lighthearted laugh as he reaches out, ruffling beomgyu's dark strands. "i know that you want to stay but you _did_ jump on the last bus to ansan without telling anyone else. maybe next time—" 

he pauses, realizing the distance between them is far bigger than he first expected it to be. it's easy to forget that choi beomgyu, his best friend, is also choi beomgyu, one of the fast rising idols in the industry. 

it's not going to be the same as before. he can't ask beomgyu to come over whenever he wants because he'll be too busy. 

and it's not like soobin ever asked him to do something like this before—even in those five years when they were separated, he didn't chase after beomgyu. he thought that beomgyu wanted to be alone and so, he stepped back into the shadows. because that's easier, that always had been easier for the two of them. 

all soobin ever wanted was to make him happy. 

as he shakes his head, ready to take a step back into the shadows, beomgyu reaches out and clasps his fingers around his coat. his dark eyes are starry again and soobin understands that there's a reason why he always loved stars since he was younger. 

"don't worry, hyung. i'll come here whenever you want me to," beomgyu pauses, then says with the brightest smile, "i promise." 

soobin stares at him for a long time before a smile breaks out on his face. the dawn is rising, painting the once dark skies with bright orange and pink streaks. 

everything feels so much brighter than it ever did before. 

"okay," soobin takes a deep breath as he leans in, wrapping his arms around his frame. he lets himself be a little selfish as he presses a kiss on top of his head. it's soft, affectionate and that little act left soobin with his heart bursting through his chest. 

still, he couldn't say those three words yet—but it's fine. 

beomgyu knows him after all. 

"i'll see you soon, beomgyu.") 


End file.
